Life Lesson: Discipline through Depression
Self discipline is something that comes up often in the wellness world. Oftentimes, self discipline is defined as pushing yourself to be the best version of you, no matter how you’re feeling. Even the products we use, like Nike, tell us to just do it.
But what if we can’t?
This was a big question for me when I was actively experiencing depressive symptoms. I wanted to be able to do all the things and take care of myself. Eat well, get to bed on time, and be consistently active.
But if it’s difficult for someone to even brush their teeth every day, discipline will need to look different.
The traditional way to begin to develop self discipline is to choose a goal and to identify your motivation. But the case for a lot of us who experience depression, our most primary goal is to survive, and motivation to do anything, even that, can be hard to come by.
When I was actively experiencing depressive symptoms, I did the bare minimum. I went to work, I ate something (sometimes), and then I slept the rest of the day away because that’s all I could do. I couldn’t speak to my loved ones for an extended period of time. I didn’t have the capacity to work out. My goals were different.
And that’s the reality of it. Your goals, what you can be consistent with, can look different, especially when depressive symptoms are a part of the equation.
But it’s a vicious cycle, right? Depression lowers your ability to do anything. Which then makes you upset because you can’t do anything, making you feel worse about yourself, making you feel like you can’t do anything.
Depression for me felt like someone was slowly putting weights on my chest, and pressing them into me, forcing me to the ground, and then pushing me through the floor. Nothing felt good. I almost longed for the times I felt bad because it meant at least the numbness went away for a while. When the weight on my chest wasn’t taking my breath away, the shame, guilt, and sadness knocked any remaining wind out of me.
It can be all consuming. Your perception of reality is warped. You question the validity of your feelings, and then at some point you just don’t care. The fight to keep existing just seems futile because the sun never feels like it’s coming back out.
It was practically a relief when I realized I had depression. Mental health issues are like different little monsters bouncing around in your head. For me, knowing the name of the monster, how big it is, how many heads it has, and if it breathes fire gives me power back. Yea, I’m still facing down a big scary monster, but now I can figure out the best way to attack it.
I re-evaluated my goals and prioritized learning more about my depression. When does it flare up? Is it episodic or ongoing? What were my symptoms? What was I able to do, barely able to do, and not at all capable of during these moments? What are my thought streams like? How/when do the waves typically pass, if at all?
Capturing my answers to these questions was difficult but powerful. And if it’s something you’re trying to do, know that it may take some time to figure them out, which is okay. In the meantime, you don’t have to fight to exist on your own.
Get real with your support system and ask for help. If you want to try to wash your hair at least once a week but can only muster up the energy to sit in the shower, ask a loved one to come help you get through the process. If you want to eat healthier or just want to eat consistently, but can’t muster up the energy to cook, there are programs that will send food right to your door and all you have to do is throw the container in the microwave or oven.
If you are dealing with depressive symptoms, it may be time to consider speaking to a mental health professional or even your general practitioner. Once I learned more about my depression, I recognized that I needed professional help. I talked to my therapist who helped me cope with daily living, but it was ultimately my primary care physician that formally evaluated my depressive symptoms and started me on antidepressants. Now, medication isn’t always the answer. But for me, I realized that I was doing everything in my power to address the problem and I just did not have the ability in my body to do more. The medication helped me get past a certain threshold that allowed me to carry out a higher level of consistent self care and life adjustments that ultimately led to an environment that now allows me to experience life in a much fuller way.
Now I still experience depressive symptoms, but they’ve shifted to being more episodic, and I am getting better at identifying them.
Self-discipline should be based on your circle of attainability at that moment. Your circle can grow and it can shrink. But that movement doesn’t make what you try to accomplish any less challenging.
Everybody was dealt a different hand when it came to this thing called life so your discipline may not look like mine and vice versa. Between ability, opportunity, socioeconomic status, privilege in general and the very concept of time, discipline may look different depending on the day, week, or month for you.
If you want to learn more about depression, check out the depression section of A Little Library to get more information. If you’re ready to find a therapist to figure out how to cope with your symptoms, check out our Resource Center to find a therapist that is best fit for you.
Be kind to yourself. You got this.
Thanks for getting A Little Mental with me.
